Limited Form Dysphoria
Aug. 12th, 2024 01:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
koyanthrope Not really the first subject I wanted to touch on when posting this, however, this is a nagging feeling that has been eating me up all day and I want to put this place to good use, so I will. It is saddening to use my first official journal for the nonhuman blues and the crushing feelings that have been plaguing me throughout the day.
How would one even describe having species dysphoria? Your skin is wrong, your body is wrong. You feel naked without your fur or your scales, you feel gross with typical human bodily functions, you feel strange for you can see vibrant colors or not enough, you feel strange for your lack or too much of sense. You feel off about having complex emotions or do you feel sorrow for existing in a time where things haven't happened yet or for things that have happened thousands, million years ago?
How would I be the one to describe my own dysphoria? I do not feel typically bad for having a humanoid shape. I do not mind it, I am not human regardless. I am physically a werecoyote, holothere if you will, just shaped in a way. My mind is nonhuman therefore the body I carry is nonhuman as well. Yet, I feel lacking in it. I feel truly and genuinely devastated that I am unable to change my form, I am unable to chase my cells and unable to feel my bones shift and crack and break and shake when I shift from form to form. I find myself longing to feel my body change.
I feel limited in the worst ways in life, I feel saddened when I am unable to feel my own fur, when I look at my back to see naked skin and not the patterns of a coyote, I do truly find myself aching physically when my body feels pent up with energy.
Pent up with energy is not really the best way to put it, yet I do not know what else or how else to explain it. My body aches often when I am able to put energy to use. When someone feels bursting with it, they run or walk, they play a game, they do chores, work out, etc and so on. Yet, I feel pained with a different kind of it. My skin often feels tight, not tight as if it was dry but tight as if I could feel every skin cell underneath my skin buzzing, as I can feel my bones beg to shift and change. I can feel my body become tight and tense when I am unable to flex my wing muscles, when I am unable to change my spine. My spine, my arms, my guts, my body just aches, aches so badly to be able to shapeshift. My draconic self especially. I am sore from being unable to do the impossible in this body. It hurts, it's a dull ache I have had for years and it's something I am able to truly pass off.
I have phantom sensations often, 24/7 actually. I do not shift from human to nonhuman with my phantom sense and limbs. I just simply always am. Though, my phantom limbs and form do shift. I typically am mostly and almost always a werecoyote or a feral coyote in my form. Though, I do feel my phantom limbs change to grow wings, change size, to feel my fur curl and harden into scales where it's needed, to feel my fur change and fix its forms. The so on. That I do feel very vividly, yet despite my constant and very strong sense of phantom limbs and body, my skin, my guts, my bones, my body does not feel satisfied. I do not know how to fix this, how to help or change this. It hurts me deeply. Yet, I can learn to cope with it.
My partners and friends at least are kind enough to help me feel better in my skin however, I can thank them for that. Both of my partners are otherkin, they understand me to a few degrees. I know when they would see me, they would see and treat me as a coyote. I never have been disrespected in my close knit friend groups for my animal and draconic nature, I thank them deeply for that. It helps me in the long run. Yet, I guess the only one who truly struggles with my limited form will be me. I understand that, it's a lot for me to unlearn and to learn to become more set in my current physical form. I can do this. I just still yearn, I am at least allowed to do that.
With the best of love,
Coyote
How would one even describe having species dysphoria? Your skin is wrong, your body is wrong. You feel naked without your fur or your scales, you feel gross with typical human bodily functions, you feel strange for you can see vibrant colors or not enough, you feel strange for your lack or too much of sense. You feel off about having complex emotions or do you feel sorrow for existing in a time where things haven't happened yet or for things that have happened thousands, million years ago?
How would I be the one to describe my own dysphoria? I do not feel typically bad for having a humanoid shape. I do not mind it, I am not human regardless. I am physically a werecoyote, holothere if you will, just shaped in a way. My mind is nonhuman therefore the body I carry is nonhuman as well. Yet, I feel lacking in it. I feel truly and genuinely devastated that I am unable to change my form, I am unable to chase my cells and unable to feel my bones shift and crack and break and shake when I shift from form to form. I find myself longing to feel my body change.
I feel limited in the worst ways in life, I feel saddened when I am unable to feel my own fur, when I look at my back to see naked skin and not the patterns of a coyote, I do truly find myself aching physically when my body feels pent up with energy.
Pent up with energy is not really the best way to put it, yet I do not know what else or how else to explain it. My body aches often when I am able to put energy to use. When someone feels bursting with it, they run or walk, they play a game, they do chores, work out, etc and so on. Yet, I feel pained with a different kind of it. My skin often feels tight, not tight as if it was dry but tight as if I could feel every skin cell underneath my skin buzzing, as I can feel my bones beg to shift and change. I can feel my body become tight and tense when I am unable to flex my wing muscles, when I am unable to change my spine. My spine, my arms, my guts, my body just aches, aches so badly to be able to shapeshift. My draconic self especially. I am sore from being unable to do the impossible in this body. It hurts, it's a dull ache I have had for years and it's something I am able to truly pass off.
I have phantom sensations often, 24/7 actually. I do not shift from human to nonhuman with my phantom sense and limbs. I just simply always am. Though, my phantom limbs and form do shift. I typically am mostly and almost always a werecoyote or a feral coyote in my form. Though, I do feel my phantom limbs change to grow wings, change size, to feel my fur curl and harden into scales where it's needed, to feel my fur change and fix its forms. The so on. That I do feel very vividly, yet despite my constant and very strong sense of phantom limbs and body, my skin, my guts, my bones, my body does not feel satisfied. I do not know how to fix this, how to help or change this. It hurts me deeply. Yet, I can learn to cope with it.
My partners and friends at least are kind enough to help me feel better in my skin however, I can thank them for that. Both of my partners are otherkin, they understand me to a few degrees. I know when they would see me, they would see and treat me as a coyote. I never have been disrespected in my close knit friend groups for my animal and draconic nature, I thank them deeply for that. It helps me in the long run. Yet, I guess the only one who truly struggles with my limited form will be me. I understand that, it's a lot for me to unlearn and to learn to become more set in my current physical form. I can do this. I just still yearn, I am at least allowed to do that.
With the best of love,
Coyote
no subject
Date: 2024-10-08 04:04 pm (UTC)I resonate heavily with this entry. I don't particularly hate being in this body, but I do hate not being able to change between my forms. Being a polymorph, it feels so wrong to be fixed in form at a time. When I sense my non-corporeal parts, I get frustrated that they aren't physically on me. I communicate a lot with my non-corporeal ears, tail and wings. Yet, to no avail. Species dysphoria, especially when you have multiple forms, can be so aggravating, but you are never alone in your frustrations. I'm glad that your partners and everyone else by extension are there for you. And of course, I'm here too if you ever need anything! Much love to you!